Divorce and Co-parenting Planner / Organizer (update)

I'm so happy to say that I've finally given my divorce and coparenting planner a small update! This is something that has always been very important to me, because I know first-hand how difficult the divorce process and co-parenting can be. I first published this organizer more than 3 years ago so it was due for an update- I hope you find these useful! I've included below the original explanation, and the link to the free download of the updated file.

I think most people know that going through a divorce, being a single parent, and co-parenting (to varying degrees of "co-" ness) are all difficult things to go through. I think most people also realize, if they stop and think about it for a minute, that there are naturally some added logistical challenges associated with managing a broken home. What I don't think people realize is just how much information and logistics you are expected to manage when you go through a divorce and/or share physical and/or legal custody with someone.

When I first started going through the legal divorce process, I was (and continue to be) amazed at how much information the courts, attorneys, and everyone else expected me to manage. You would think that, given the emotional state most of us are in when we go through this process, people would expect you to not be able to manage much additional information and paperwork and would help remind you, or ask you about, the minute details of the legal proceedings, paperwork, etc. Nope. I consider myself an organized person, and I have found myself scrambling to find paperwork, looking up details from agreements we made months or even years ago, on multiple occasions. If anything, people seemed surprised that I did not have this information already on-hand. Nobody ever once has given me any advice on how to keep all of this information organized- they seem to just expect that I will, and if I don't, the courts could end up making a ruling that negatively affects my children. So there is a lot riding on my ability to stay organized!

The other surprise for me has been that keeping information and paperwork organized digitally is not enough. I didn't realize that in court hearings, meetings with attorneys, and other meetings, people often either do not have internet access available and/or will not accept a digital copy of a document for use in a hearing or meeting- they want a hard copy. When I first started going through the divorce, I stored everything in a specific folder on a thumb drive that I took with me to every meeting, appointment, and hearing. I have since learned the importance of also printing out one or more hard copies and keeping them organized that way as well.

I've put together this planner for my own use, and I've also tried to create forms that I wish I had had when I was first entering and going through the initial divorce process. So there are pages that would be helpful for every stage of the divorce/co-parenting process. To get the best use out of them, I would suggest printing single-sided. That way you can change, remove, or add pages without having to replicate anything that you filled out on the other side of the page. When you print, just select the pages you need and print those. You may also want to print multiple copies of some pages if you need more room for certain information. What you need to organize and keep on hand will change over time, so having the flexibility to add and remove pages is important- keep everything in a binder of some kind rather than having it permanently bound in a way that doesn't allow you to change the inserts. I have stuck mine in the teacher/life planner that I have already, but you could of course keep this in a separate binder as well.

Here's an overview of what's included:
1. Custody schedule: year at a glance (good for mapping out alternating weekends, holidays etc)
2. Regular visitation schedule (includes 2 weeks on 1 page for those with every other week schedules)
3. Holidays/vacations/days off (space to note schedule and any agreements you need to remember)
4. Court dates (note dates, topics, and anything you need to bring or prepare in advance)
5. Important contacts (like attorneys, therapists, other related contacts)
6. Documents (keep track of what they are and where you have stored them)
7. Agreement references (keep track of where to find agreements within your divorce decree, parenting plan, or other documents so you can quickly reference as needed)
8. Expenses (use this during the divorce process to keep track of attorney and other expenses)
9. Support payments (keep track of child support, alimony, etc, either paying or receiving)
10. Reimbursements (track expenses that need reimbursement, like medical, educational, etc)
11. Goals/journal (prompts to help you set priorities for yourself and for your children, plus blank pages)

I know every situation is different, so if you have any suggestions of ways I can improve or add to this please let me know in the comments or send me an email ( caldwell.organized.chaos at gmail dot com ) and I will be happy to make those changes- I want this to be helpful to as many people as possible. If you are unsure how to use a certain part of the planner or have another question, leave a comment below or email me and I will be happy to answer them as well! Click the image below to download. I hope you find this helpful!

Read more "Divorce and Co-parenting Planner / Organizer (update)"

Today I Did Nothing

Today I did nothing.

It was so wonderful getting a chance to stay at home and relax with my family without any responsibilities- just a chance to unwind after a crazy week.

Plus it gave me time to clean the bathtub and the garbage can. They were getting pretty gross and I had been meaning to clean them both for weeks! Feels so good to get that taken care of!

I even had time to sit down and sort through the mail, write out a few checks, and fill out the rest of those school forms.

Having a day to do nothing is so awesome.

I had time to cook meals that would be too much trouble on a busy weekday. We even baked pumpkin bread together and I had time to make a full pot of coffee to keep in the fridge for extra-crazy mornings. Oh and clean the coffee maker!

And of course the best part was having time to relax and play with my kids. They come up with so many creative ideas for pretend play at this age! I was a student, a monster, and a queen all in one day. The trick, of course, is getting them to clean up all of their messes afterwards!

Oh, and while I'm downstairs playing school I might as well throw in a load of laundry.

I love having time to just chill at home with my family!

My daughters kicked me out of their bedroom- they're busy with some kind of secret project- you know what, this would be a good time to send out a few emails about next week's meetings...

Better make sure the kids get their practice time in. They're both getting ready for their recitals in a couple of weeks! And when they're done we can finish that board game we started on Thursday. Hey and now that the board game is put away I can vacuum the floor!

Weekends like this, when we can stay in our pajamas all day and do nothing, are so refreshing. So glad I decided to do nothing today.

Can you relate? You're not alone! Sign up for the Organized Chaos newsletter here to get more relevant content sent straight to your inbox ;)

Read more "Today I Did Nothing"

5 Tips for Being More Productive (when it really counts)

Whether as teachers or parents (or any other hats we wear), the times we need to get the most done are usually the times when we feel the least able to actually be productive. I think the biggest inhibitors to productivity in these situations are stamina and overwhelm. Today I want to share my 5 tips to help you overcome those factors and be more productive when it really counts!

I'm sure there are hundreds, if not thousands, of blog posts out there on how to be more productive in life in general, mostly relating to the kinds of habits and routines we can set up for ourselves to make it easier to "get more done". In fact, I've written a few of those myself- here's my post about monthly tasks and routines, and here's my post on weekly routines. I've also written about daily morning routines for home and another for school, as well as yearly tasks for home and for school.

So yes, routines and habits are an important part of being more productive! ;)

What I want to focus on in this post, though, is the specific situation we sometimes find ourselves in when we have a to-do list a mile long, full of important tasks that need to get done. How can we avoid getting overwhelmed and finding ourselves at the end of a long day with nothing to show for ourselves but a bunch of new recipes pinned to our Pinterest board and some half-finished projects strewn across the living (or class) room?

1. Write Everything Down

Hopefully for my long-time readers this goes without saying, but it's important enough to say again anyway: write. it. down. One of the best ways to overcome the feeling of overwhelm is to write down every task you hope to accomplish, no matter how small. It may seem counter-intuitive to make your to-do list longer by adding every little thing, whether it's taking out the trash or a quick email/text you need to send, but this strategy will help in a few ways:

1) you'll be able to look back later and acknowledge everything you truly did and validate the time and effort you put into things that are important, even if they are small and/or routine,
2) you can start to create a more realistic plan for how you are going to get things done when you factor all of those more "minor" but necessary tasks into your thinking, and
3) you'll reduce your anxiety by simply freeing your brain from having to remember all those little items.

Once you've got your written list, you need to make some kind of plan to get the stuff done that needs to get done. How you make that plan, and what kind of plan you make, will depend on the types of tasks you're doing, how spread out your time is in which to get it done, your personality, etc. Here are some things to consider:

2. Use Your Productive Hours Wisely

Most people have certain times of day when they're most alert and they have the most energy. For me, that's in the morning. For others, it's at night. Maybe it's in the middle of the day. Whatever those most productive hours are for you, plan your tasks out so that you can do the least attractive tasks and the tasks that require the most brain power during that time, and plan to do the tasks that keep you physically active (like running errands) and tasks that are most attractive in your "off-peak" hours.

3. Give Yourself Incentives

Yes, it's true, you can use extrinsic motivators even when you're trying to motivate yourself! Promise yourself certain incentives for getting certain things done. Maybe you get to eat 5 M&M's for every hour you spend working on a writing project. Maybe you get to watch a YouTube video after each large task. Maybe you can go get ice cream on your way to the grocery store if you've finished these 5 things by noon. Especially if you have a lot of tasks that you are having a hard time motivating yourself to do (even during your productive hours), giving yourself small incentives can help give you more stamina to push through those tasks.

4. Vary and Chunk Tasks

So here are 2 totally opposite things that are both equally helpful: vary your tasks and chunk like tasks together. Varying tasks, like doing one cleaning task, then doing something on the computer, then cooking, can keep things from getting mundane. But chunking certain tasks together can also help you be more efficient, like doing all of your errands in one trip (or everything at one store even if it's slightly more expensive), answering all of your emails in one sitting, or doing all of the cleaning in one afternoon. It depends on your personality, which tasks you enjoy (and have more stamina for), and the logistics of the tasks themselves.

5. Prioritize and Let Go

Of course the danger of talking about productivity is playing into the pressure to #doallthethings and actually increasing anxiety, losing sight of relationships and self-care, or skewing your priorities. One of the keys to being more productive is keeping everything in perspective. Yes, being more productive is a good thing, but only if you can be clear on which tasks are most important, make sure those things get done, and look back at the end of a productive day and say, "I did the best I possibly could". Being productive should give you the freedom to shrug your shoulders at the things that didn't get done, knowing that you did your best, instead of being left with a sense of guilt thinking about all those hours you wasted on unimportant things. At the end of the day, give yourself permission to pat yourself on the back, and let go of any guilt over unfinished tasks. Nobody can expect you to do more than you can do!

This time of year can get pretty busy. I hope these tips help you improve your productivity and find better balance in your life. What are your top tips for being more productive? How do you stay focused on your priorities when life gets hectic? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Get timely ideas and resources sent straight to your inbox! Click here to sign up for the Organized Chaos newsletter!

Read more "5 Tips for Being More Productive (when it really counts)"

Books to Help Little Kids with Big Emotions

While there are many things I absolutely love about 3-5 year olds, the overwhelming bursts of emotion they go through on a daily basis can often be.... well.... challenging to deal with. Similar to puberty, kids this age usually to go through a phase where their emotions are often more than they're equipped to handle. Today I wanted to share a few books I've found that I think have really helped my girls to better process, understand, verbalize, and respond to their emotions.

*this post contains affiliate links*

Happy Hippo, Angry Duck

I pretty much love every book Sandra Boynton has ever written, and this one is no exception. This one is great for the younger crowd. I found it really helpful for developing the girls' emotional vocabulary and helping them understand that having different feelings throughout the day is normal. Here it is on Amazon if you want to check it out.

Today I Feel Silly: And Other Moods That Make My Day

My girls adore this book. It is written from the perspective of a young girl- probably 5 or 6- responding to different events and triggers and talking about how she feels. It touches on everything from not liking her curly hair, to friendship problems, to family dynamics, school, and so much more in a totally relatable way. My girls really got into this one around 4, but I think they will continue to love it for the next few years. The best part is the little spinner at the back that lets kids change the main character's facial expressions. It's a great way to start identifying the facial expressions that match different feelings, which is perfect for developing empathy. Here is the book on Amazon. 

Allie All Along

This is great for slightly older (school-age) kids. It explains how to handle anger appropriately with concrete strategies kids can use to calm down, and it emphasizes that it's ok to feel angry sometimes! Here is the book on Amazon. I actually use this book in a music lesson for kindergarten as well- here's my post on that lesson.

Two Homes

This one is specific to children dealing with separated parents but it has been so beneficial for my girls! The book is written from the child's perspective as he describes some things that are the same and different at each of his two homes (mom's house and dad's house) and ends with the conclusion that no matter where he is, he is always loved by both parents. My girls ask for this book over and over again and I know they are absorbing the message! Get the book on Amazon here.

Double Trouble for Anna Hibiscus

This is another "special issue" book that talks about a preschool-age-ish girl who gets twin siblings and feels jealous about all of the attention that the babies are getting. But even though my girls haven't had that experience, they still got a lot out of this book- one of the things I love is the way the book describes the adults reacting to the main character's emotions and how they all adapt. Also a nice bonus that it features characters from Africa! Here is a link to the book on Amazon. 

I hope you find some new books to love on this list! Do you have any other favorite books to help kids learn about their emotions? Share them in the comments!

Want more? Sign up here for the Organized Chaos Newsletter and get ideas and resources sent straight to your inbox.

Read more "Books to Help Little Kids with Big Emotions"

The Best Gift a Child Can Give

When my 5-year-old girls are celebrating a birthday or special holiday that involves everyone giving gifts, they usually make a card or picture to give. It's simple and quick, it's 100% from them, and the receiver genuinely enjoys the gift. But sometimes the girls want to give something more, and that gets tricky when they don't have any of their own money to spend and they don't have a whole bunch of time to work on a more complex handmade gift. A few months ago I came up with a new idea for what they could give for those occasions that I wish I had thought of ages ago (and will be requesting for my birthday this year myself!) and I wanted to share with you all because it has been such a hit.

So I've written a few times about my daughters' gift giving over the years. You can read about why I think it's important to encourage young children to give their own gifts in this post, where I also talk about another gift-giving idea I still use that involves the more traditional buying-of-a-thing-at-a-store. But my one hang-up with that idea was that inevitably you end up purchasing a certain amount of (sorry kids) junk. I think the idea is still valuable for what it is, and will probably continue to use it at Christmas time when they are getting gifts for lots of people at once, but I want to limit how much we inevitably end up contributing to the circulation of stuff that ends up eventually in a landfill. 

What do kids have to give when they don't have money? Themselves. Their time and their company. For my dad's birthday a few months ago, I had the girls give him a "coupon" for a date by writing on a piece of paper, "I want to take you to ______" and having them choose where they wanted to go (one chose the library, and the other chose the ice cream store). It was still simple to make, and pretty cheap too, and still gave the girls the opportunity to think about what the recipient would enjoy. 

Let me tell you, it was the best thing ever. My dad, of course, was thrilled, and the girls could see that clearly when he opened and read his gifts. And having that one-on-one time with a loved one that they normally don't spend time with alone was so exciting for both sides. Added bonus for the girls: they loved being the one to take the money/ library card in their own little purse and being in charge of purchasing the ice cream/ checking out the books (and I loved that they were learning how to do those things independently too)!

If you haven't yet, I encourage you to have your children give the gift of quality time the next time the opportunity for gift-giving arises. It's a win-win-win-win-win for everyone involved. And if you know a single/divorced parent, especially one with multiple children, make arrangements to allow their kids to give the gift of quality time by helping the kids make the coupons and throwing in babysitting for the other kids as the gift from you. I really hope this becomes something of a tradition in my house, because I LOVE this idea!

Do you encourage your kids to give gifts for birthday and holidays? What do you have your young children do when they don't have the money to actually buy their own gifts? Have you ever had young children give the gift of one-on-one time? Let's hear your thoughts in the comments!

Want more? Come join the family! Sign up here for the Organized Chaos Newsletter and get ideas and resources for home and school sent straight to your inbox! It's the best way to stay in touch and in the know :)

Read more "The Best Gift a Child Can Give"

Small Ways to Fight the Winter Blues

Now that the holiday season has ended, many of us are heading into that dreary time of year when it can be hard to maintain a positive disposition. Whether you struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder or just have a mild case of the winter blues, here are a few strategies that can help lighten your mood in the winter months (and beyond!).

*this post contains affiliate links*

First, a disclaimer: as someone who has struggled with anxiety, PPD, and PTSD, I cannot say enough how much I recommend therapy / counseling for anyone going through a period (whether short or long term) of emotional/psychological struggle. In fact, I would recommend therapy to everyone on the planet if I could- all of us struggle in one way or another and there are few things better than a good therapist to help you develop strategies to manage those struggles. If you try some of these small strategies and they don't make much difference, or if you already know your struggles are bigger than the scope of these little tips, go find someone- you won't regret it!

For those pesky, seasonal "winter blues" though, I have found these strategies very helpful!

1. Vitamin D

A few years ago I started taking a vitamin D pill every morning from November until March (or so), and I have found it makes a significant difference in my mood. It's a simple way to get more vitamin D during those dark winter months! Here's the one I use- my doctor recommended 2000 IU and I find this brand available at most of my local stores- but you should ask your doctor to see what they recommend for you before starting.

2. Inspirational Mementos/ Visuals

There are a lot of ways to do this, but the basic idea is to keep visual, concrete reminders of things that make you happy / grateful / inspired handy. I've got a small box of inspirational quotes and family photos that I keep in my purse, a display of treasured mementos from my students/friends and family at home and at work, and a folder stored at home and work with more letters and gifts that remind me that others care about me. Even just printing off an inspirational quote and hanging it on the wall where you'll see it every day can help! You can read more about how each one works and how to make one for yourself, by clicking on each of the pictures below (the folder idea comes from Sally's Sea of Songs):

3. Set Up a Morning Routine

If you don't have one already, setting up a morning routine can make it a lot easier to get going each day, especially when it's still cold and dark outside when you're trying to get out of bed! If you have a morning routine but you're finding it hard to get out of bed, try changing or adding something to get you more motivated- maybe a new creamer for your morning cup of coffee, or adding some time to read a fun book for 15 minutes in the morning, or a short stretching or exercising routine. You can read about my morning routine below if you're looking for more inspiration:

4. Get the right amount of sleep

This goes both ways- after parenting twin infants, one of whom was a terrible sleeper, I am a firm believer in the importance of getting enough sleep. So set aside your worries and tasks at a certain point (the last 2 suggestions will help with that) and just go to bed. With a good morning routine in place, you can be confident that you'll be able to start the day off right and figure out any neglected tasks tomorrow. But I've also found that getting too much sleep can be a problem for me in winter- when I'm feeling down or anxious, it's easier to hide in bed than to get up and get going. Try to wake up around the same time each morning. A good morning routine will help with this too!

5. Phone a Friend

Of course one of the best things to do is some quality time with people you love! See if you can set up a regular meeting time, whether it's in person or on the phone, with a close friend or relative. As an introvert, I find myself making excuses for why I'm too busy to get together with people, but when I make a commitment to someone and start spending time with them regularly, I see the difference it makes! Join groups for people with similar interests in your community and/or online. Talking to people who can relate, and who are there to listen when you need to vent, can make a big difference in your mood! If you can't find (or afford the time or money) for face-to-face meetups (exercise classes, crafting parties, book clubs....), there are TONS of Facebook groups you can join for pretty much any people group you could possibly imagine.

6. Write It Down

Besides the change in weather, the other reason winter months can be difficult is because of the growing list of things to do paired with the lessening motivation to get out from under the cozy blanket and do the things! I find myself often stressing myself out because another thing I forgot to do keeps popping into my head. Writing those things down, no matter how big or small the task may be, takes the idea out of the spinning wheels in my brain and onto paper, and also makes me less worried that I'll forget it 5 minutes later! You could use something as simple as a stack of sticky notes that you keep handy, or get a notebook or planner to help you organize the information. If you're looking for planner inspiration, here are some places to get started:

I hope you found some fresh ideas to help you fight the winter blues this year! What are some things you do to keep moodiness at bay? Leave a comment down below- I love hearing from you!

Click here to sign up for the Organized Chaos newsletter and get more ideas for home and school sent straight to your inbox!

Read more "Small Ways to Fight the Winter Blues"

A Journey Through Pain, Healing, and Living: my story told through music

Every now and then I have shared parts of my difficult journey through marriage, divorce, and co-parenting on this blog. I have always been amazed and gratified to see the response to these posts- going through this kind of experience is often an extremely isolating experience, and if sharing my experience can help one person feel they are not alone, it is definitely worth it. Today I wanted to share some more of my journey in the best way I know: through music.

This post has been written in my head for a few months now. It is difficult to explain the emotional journey that I've been through in words, but over the years I've come across different songs that speak to where I was/am. Today I want to share with you, in chronological order, the songs that have really connected to my emotional experience over the last several years. I have found this to be one of the most effective ways of sharing my experience with others, and I hope that others going through difficult periods in their life will find comfort and connection somewhere in this list.

Before I do, though, a few important notes:

1. As with any emotional journey, this is certainly not a straight trajectory. Although I am presenting the songs below in the order in which I most connected with them, there were and are times when I went back and forth between various emotional stages. 
2. I'm not saying that each song is a perfect match to how I was / am feeling in my own experience. Obviously each situation is unique. However the overall message and feeling in each song was definitely something I deeply connected to and felt expressed where I was. 

With that, I offer you my journey, told through music.

Read more "A Journey Through Pain, Healing, and Living: my story told through music"

the ring I put on the day of my divorce

The day I got divorced, I took my wedding and engagement rings off of my left hand and put another ring on my right hand. Not to celebrate my "freedom" or to commemorate the event or anything like that- I did not celebrate being divorced even a little bit- but to reaffirm my commitment to my family. I have worn the ring every day since and have been happy with my decision for so many reasons I didn't expect, so today I'm sharing why I'm glad I have it. If you are facing a divorce yourself, you might consider if this might be a good choice for you too- I don't think it's for everyone, but I do think it's worthy of consideration.

1. It's a nice piece of jewelry

I got the ring off of Etsy- I wanted some kind of "mother's ring" to remind me of the girls, and fell in love with this one with the vines intertwined with the birth stones for each child (obviously I went with the colors I have always used to color code the girls' stuff since they were babies, rather than their birthstones, which would have been the same...). So the first reason I love the ring is that it's a beautiful piece of jewelry! :) Why should only married people have a nice ring to wear every day?

2. It is a symbol for me of my commitment

When I was married, I wore my wedding and engagement rings all the time- I never took them off, even to shower (I don't recommend that, by the way). It was a symbol to me of my commitment to my marriage, and it was just a part of who I was (and who I presented myself as to the world). When I got divorced, having the new ring to put on gave me the sense that I was not abandoning my commitment, but rather transferring my commitment. Rather than having a constant reminder of my commitment to my husband, I now have a constant reminder of my commitment to my children- they are now my entire immediate family.

3. It is a source of comfort for my children

This is something I didn't anticipate when I got the ring, but has become one of the main reasons I love my ring now. Especially when they were toddlers, but throughout their lives, the girls have gone through periods of separation anxiety and it was very difficult for all three of us. One day I sat down and showed them my ring, and explained to them (they were around 2 years old) that the two stones were the two of them, and the vines were me, always surrounding them, always there. I explained that I wore it every day because I was always thinking about them and because I was always their Mommy. Since then, even 2 years later, the ring has been a source of comfort for them when they are having a difficult time leaving. When they are upset, I can simply show them my ring and let them feel it in their hands- I don't have to say anything, and it doesn't take much time, but it always comforts them and reminds them that I am always there for them no matter what.

4. It is a symbol for others

I have had several meaningful conversations with people who have asked me about my ring, including my students, coworkers, and friends. I am very comfortable sharing (the basic facts of) my story at this point, and I love any chance I get to tell people how much my children mean to me! Without a wedding ring, many people assume I am single without kids. Sure, don't care about what people think, blah blah blah, but it helps me knowing that my ring at least gives people pause, and often provides me the opportunity to tell people a little about who I am as a mother, without wearing a giant sign on my chest when the girls aren't with me.

5. It provides a sense of normalcy

This is minor but when I got divorced, it was a huge change. A lot of things about how I lived, how I identified myself, and how others saw me changed dramatically. Having a ring to put on every morning, to twiddle with mindlessly (as I was in the habit of doing), and see when I look at my hands somehow eased that one small change of taking off my wedding and engagement rings. It may not seem like a big deal, but I really think it helped things seem a little less strange.

6. It helped with the pain of the day itself

I've already sort-of said this in so many words, but knowing that I had another ring to put on to show my commitment to my children helped ease my dread of taking off the other rings on the day of the divorce. I actually got the ring several weeks before the actual divorce, but decided to wait until it was finalized to help with the day of the divorce. I actually had something to look forward to that day- I like this ring a lot more than my engagement and wedding rings- they are much more my style! ;) Being able to put on the new ring helped brighten an otherwise difficult afternoon (that, and the Sonic coconut cream milkshake I got on the way home).

I am so grateful that I have this ring for so many reasons. If you are divorced or heading towards a divorce, have you considered anything like this?

Read more "the ring I put on the day of my divorce"

eating well when you're eating alone

I used to assume that cooking for a family was harder than cooking for one or two people. I now know I was wrong. The reason is people generally don't want to eat just one thing when we have a meal- we want to have at least 2 or 3 different things, or at the very least a dish that has a combination of ingredients, and it's hard to find small enough quantities of each item to make a "meal" for just one person. I have found in the last couple of years that cooking for just myself is even harder when I am used to cooking for my kids. Not only am I not used to cooking for fewer people, but I am so used to making super healthy, kid-friendly meals that I feel lost when I'm only cooking for an adult. Plus it doesn't seem worth it to go through the effort of cooking a full meal for just me. I'd rather spend the time running errands, catching up with friends, or staring off into space- you know, the things I can't do when the kids are around :P

Because of all of these problems, I found that I was often resorting to McDonald's, or forgetting to eat at all, when the girls were not around for a meal. Since I realized what a bad pattern I was falling into, I've come up with a few strategies to try to still eat (relatively) healthy meals even when I'm not cooking for the whole family. I'm hoping these ideas are helpful not only for other single parents but also anyone who lives alone, or parents who find themselves occasionally eating alone for one reason or another.

1. Cook for more people and save the extras

This can go a few different ways: 1) when I'm cooking a meal for the family, I intentionally cook a few extra servings and eat the leftovers when I'm alone, 2) I cook a regular amount of something when I'm alone and save the extras for another time (I do this a lot with a big pot of curry etc and freeze half so I don't get sick of it!) or 3) make a meal that I'm planning to serve to the whole family later in the week ahead of time and eat a portion when I'm alone. I had already been doing this somewhat for the lunches I pack to take to work, but now I am also using extra food from family dinners for times when I'm alone for dinner.

2. Keep the freezer stocked

I really don't like to spend a bunch of time in the kitchen cooking when noone else is going to enjoy the results- it's just not gratifying. And I'm often running around trying to get things done when the girls are away, so I want to get something quickly. I have recently started keeping healthy frozen foods, that I can quickly heat up in the microwave, stocked in my freezer, and that has cut down on a lot of trips to the drive-through. Trader Joe's has a lot of healthy (and reasonably- priced) frozen meals, and I also love these frozen Indian style "burritos" that I found in the vegetarian section of the frozen food aisle at my grocery store (hint: if you don't know this already, vegetarian food tends to pack a lot more flavor and is often better-tasting than meaty frozen meals). 

3. Find someone to eat with

Yeah I know this is kindof straying from the idea of the post, but it bears mentioning- if you know you're going to be alone for a meal, why not find someone to eat with instead? I'm lucky because my parents live just a few minutes away from me, so I often head to their house for dinner when I'm on my own. I've also started trying to make dinner dates with friends sometimes, although those take up more time then a quick drop-in at the parents! Whomever I'm eating with, I can't get away with forgetting to eat, or eating something really unhealthy, when I have made a promise to eat with someone else. I'd like to be better about having other people over to my house to eat dinner when I'm on my own too, but my introverted self is usually not very motivated to play hostess after a full day of being with hundreds of students and colleagues.... Maybe over summer break.

4. Keep quick and easy produce around

I try to keep a few extra apples, avocados, bananas, and sweet potatoes around for something quick I can grab when I need a little extra food. Apples and bananas I eat plain, avocados I cut in half and eat with a spoon (sometimes with a little cajun spice mix on top- yum!), and sweet potatoes I can cook quickly in the microwave (pierce the skin with a fork a few times, wrap in a paper towel, cook for 3-5 minutes flipping once halfway through- you're welcome). I buy these foods for the girls' lunches already, so it's easy for me to buy a few extra for my own meals. I throw one in my lunch bag to take to work sometimes too.

5. Mug meals

I recently discovered Gemma Stafford on YouTube and I love her recipes! Most of them are really simple, and she has quite a few easy ideas for cooking for one. Here's one example of MANY:

I mean really. She also has a website where you can search all of her recipes here.

What are your favorite tips for staying on track when you're eating alone? I'd love to hear your ideas in the comments :)

Read more "eating well when you're eating alone"

holidays in the broken home

The week before Valentine's Day, I wrote a post about how I planned to celebrate Valentine's by focusing on my love for my children. I was excited to be in a place emotionally where I felt comfortable even acknowledging the holiday at all (something I had not done for the last 3 years). I don't want to negate anything that I said in that post- I really did enjoy the day, had fun with my daughters, and for the most part joined in the general revelry of hearts and everything pink- but I also want to offer a bit of a reality check for those of you who may be in a similar, single-parenting situation, or are hoping to better understand and support someone who is. So here goes: holidays as a single/co-parent really and truly stink most of the time. Let me tell you why.

1. Holidays remind us of what the idyllic family is supposed to be

The holiday propaganda stuff that appears in stores, media, and festivities everywhere tend to subconsciously promote the idyllic family: two parents, happily in love, and children who have strong relationships with their parents and siblings. It's assumed that we want to be with our family during the holidays, and that we will be most happy (and most appropriately celebrating the holiday) if we do. We all have people to whom we should give a card or a gift, and from whom we can and should expect to get something as well, right? And of course when we gather with extended family, it is easy to find ourselves the only broken family among people who knew (and probably loved) your ex. Reminders of how we thought our children would grow up celebrating the holidays are everywhere.

2. Visitation schedules are usually more complicated

Co-parents who share physical custody usually have a separate custody schedule for the holidays. So on top of the general craziness of transporting and transitioning our children back and forth between two homes, we are now doing so on a different schedule than what we or our kids are used to, which causes stress, and likely some confusion, for everyone- especially the kids. Which then rubs off on us, because we don't want our kids to be stressed, especially at the holidays. 

3. We miss our kids more when they're gone

Because of the different custody schedules for holidays, most of us have to spend part of the holidays away from our children (courts seem to generally agree that, no matter how limited the normal visitation time is, parents have a right to be with their children around the holidays to some extent). When we become parents, holidays take on a whole new exciting meaning. Holidays that we used to think were just ho-hum suddenly become opportunities to spend time together, do something fun, and see our kids' eyes light up with wonder. It stinks to have to send them off (to someone that we usually don't like very much) and miss out on some of that magic.

4. Holidays are emotionally charged

We are almost always more emotional around the holidays, whether married, single, divorced, or anything else. Being a single/co-parent is already emotionally difficult enough without the added holiday element! So every little blip on the emotional radar becomes bigger, more stressful, more anxiety and/or depression- inducing.

I really want to try to communicate a balanced view of what it means to be a single / co- parent. I hope this post will help someone feel they are not alone, or better understand a loved one who might be struggling through the holidays. 

Read more "holidays in the broken home"

Single Mom on Valentine's Day

There's no denying it: Valentine's Day is just around the corner. Valentine's is always an awkward holiday in my opinion, whether you're in a relationship or not. For the last few years since I became a single mom, I have quite honestly just ignored the holiday. No, I didn't go on some kind of crazy "down with love" campaign, wear all black, or drown my sorrows with ice cream. It didn't really bother me all that much. I basically just did my best to avoid thinking about it at all by staying busy. This year, though, I am actually going to be celebrating it!! I thought it might be helpful for other single parents if I shared my thoughts and plans for this year.

I'm in the mood to celebrate my love for my children on Valentine's Day this year. I've got some fun little heart-shaped cookies and a few little chocolates, and I'll be making them each a card to give them as well. I remember my father giving my sisters and me little chocolates on Valentine's Day growing up, and I thought it was so special- I can't wait to share that tradition with my own daughters!

Even my planner is decorated for the occasion- Valentine's is definitely not ignored this year:

I think a big part of my motivation to celebrate the day with my girls is that I know they will be more aware of the holiday this year because they are talking about it at school. Before now it didn't matter because to them it was just any other day, but this year if I don't celebrate it, it will be noticeable to them. I want them to know that 1) they don't need to feel uncomfortable about enjoying the holiday with me, 2) I love them very much, and 3) that love is enough to celebrate- I am not bitter or sad to not be in a romantic relationship right now (I have been separated from the girls' dad for 3.5 years, divorced for 2.5, he has been re-married for 1.5 years, I have no interest in starting another relationship any time soon).

I want them to know these things because they are true, not because I want them to think that about me. Every person is different and will go through the single parent experience in different stages as well. I think the important thing to remind ourselves is that it's OK to celebrate holidays however we see fit. I am perfectly happy with my decision to ignore Valentine's for the last few years. I also think it is perfectly OK to feel a little lonely, or to want to go out with other single friends and enjoy their friendship on Valentine's.

But I think my Valentine's Day this year will probably be the most fun and least awkward one I have ever celebrated since becoming an adult and I can't wait! Celebrating holidays with my children makes every holiday more magical. If you are a single parent contemplating how to get through the holiday and think this sounds like a fun way to celebrate, give it a try! It doesn't have to be expensive or time-consuming to make it fun. Buy a few of those cheesy boxes of chocolates or candies, write each child a little love note on some pink paper, and wish your children a Happy Valentine's Day this year!

I hope you find a way to cherish the loving relationships that you have in your life, no matter how you choose to spend it. Happy Valentine's Day, Single Mom. Know that your children love you and admire you very much.

Read more "Single Mom on Valentine's Day"

Mommy Monday: printable co-parenting / divorce planner

Today I am finally sharing a special project that I have been working on for a while now: a printable co-parenting planner / organizer / workbook. This planner is available for free download so I hope you will share it with anyone else you know who might benefit from it (you'll find the link to download at the end of this post).

I think most people know that going through a divorce, being a single parent, and co-parenting (to varying degrees of "co-" ness) are all difficult things to go through. I think most people also realize, if they stop and think about it for a minute, that there are naturally some added logistical challenges associated with managing a broken home. What I don't think people realize is just how much information and logistics you are expected to manage when you go through a divorce and/or share physical and/or legal custody with someone.

When I first started going through the legal divorce process, I was (and continue to be) amazed at how much information the courts, attorneys, and everyone else expected me to manage. You would think that, given the emotional state most of us are in when we go through this process, people would expect you to not be able to manage much additional information and paperwork and would help remind you, or ask you about, the minute details of the legal proceedings, paperwork, etc. Nope. I consider myself an organized person, and I have found myself scrambling to find paperwork, looking up details from agreements we made months or even years ago, on multiple occasions. If anything, people seemed surprised that I did not have this information already on-hand. Nobody ever once has given me any advice on how to keep all of this information organized- they seem to just expect that I will, and if I don't, the courts could end up making a ruling that negatively affects my children. So there is a lot riding on my ability to stay organized!

The other surprise for me has been that keeping information and paperwork organized digitally is not enough. I didn't realize that in court hearings, meetings with attorneys, and other meetings, people often either do not have internet access available and/or will not accept a digital copy of a document for use in a hearing or meeting- they want a hard copy. When I first started going through the divorce, I stored everything in a specific folder on a thumb drive that I took with me to every meeting, appointment, and hearing. I have since learned the importance of also printing out one or more hard copies and keeping them organized that way as well.

I've put together this planner for my own use, and I've also tried to create forms that I wish I had had when I was first entering and going through the initial divorce process. So there are pages that would be helpful for every stage of the divorce/co-parenting process. To get the best use out of them, I would suggest printing single-sided. That way you can change, remove, or add pages without having to replicate anything that you filled out on the other side of the page. When you print, just select the pages you need and print those. You may also want to print multiple copies of some pages if you need more room for certain information. What you need to organize and keep on hand will change over time, so having the flexibility to add and remove pages is important- keep everything in a binder of some kind rather than having it permanently bound in a way that doesn't allow you to change the inserts. I have stuck mine in the teacher/life planner that I have already, but you could of course keep this in a separate binder as well.

Here's an overview of what's included:
1. Custody schedule: year at a glance (good for mapping out alternating weekends, holidays etc)
2. Regular visitation schedule (includes 2 weeks on 1 page for those with every other week schedules)
3. Holidays/vacations/days off (space to note schedule and any agreements you need to remember)
4. Court dates (note dates, topics, and anything you need to bring or prepare in advance)
5. Important contacts (like attorneys, therapists, other related contacts)
6. Documents (keep track of what they are and where you have stored them)
7. Agreement references (keep track of where to find agreements within your divorce decree, parenting plan, or other documents so you can quickly reference as needed)
8. Expenses (use this during the divorce process to keep track of attorney and other expenses)
9. Support payments (keep track of child support, alimony, etc, either paying or receiving)
10. Reimbursements (track expenses that need reimbursement, like medical, educational, etc)
11. Goals/journal (prompts to help you set priorities for yourself and for your children, plus blank pages)

I know every situation is different, so if you have any suggestions of ways I can improve or add to this please let me know in the comments or send me an email ( caldwell.organized.chaos at gmail dot com ) and I will be happy to make those changes- I want this to be helpful to as many people as possible. If you are unsure how to use a certain part of the planner or have another question, leave a comment below or email me and I will be happy to answer them as well! Click the image below to download. I hope you find this helpful!

Read more "Mommy Monday: printable co-parenting / divorce planner"

Mommy Monday: inspirational quote box for your purse

Last year, I made a little box to put in my purse for those days when things are just a little too crazy and life feels overwhelming. I made one for my sister as well and it was a great gift to give for Christmas! I have pulled it out a few times and I love having it there with me.

This was a pretty simple DIY project. For the box, I took an empty Altoids mint tin and covered it in duct tape, then added a few gold stickers that I had in my stash. It would probably look nicer if you spray painted it, but duct tape was what I had on hand so that's what I used! ;)

I do like that the tin is small and unassuming, so I don't have to worry much about someone else opening it. Not that people are digging through my purse or anything... But still.

I designed the images for the cards on my computer. You could use colored paper and hand-write on them, or you could use pretty much any software on your computer to print your own. I added some quotes- Bible verses, song lyrics, and other inspirational quotes I love- to some, and put photos of my favorite people on others. So when I flip through the cards, I am reminded of the people that I love (and love me back!), focus my thoughts on what's important and valuable to me, and remind myself of why I am doing what I am doing every day.

If you or someone you know is going through a difficult time, or just has a lot on their plate, this would be a great thing to make for you or your loved one! Do you keep anything in your purse to keep you inspired and focused on what matters?

Read more "Mommy Monday: inspirational quote box for your purse"

Teacher Tuesday: small goals for June

For today's Teacher Tuesday I'm linking up with my good friend Jennifer from The Yellow Brick Road. She had a great idea to share some small goals for the month of June, and it fits in well with what I was planning to share with you anyway- perfect time for a linkup! Click on the picture to see the goals that other music teachers have shared and get inspired!

OK, so keep in mind that the point of this post is to share small goals for things I want to accomplish this month, and the month is already half over...

Seriously. I have one more week of school left, and I'm not trying to be funny when I say my goal is to survive. We have had major behavior challenges this school year and all of the teachers, staff, and students are exhausted. We have worked hard to make changes, and I have some big ideas for ways to improve things for our building next year, but with summer vacation approaching everyone is a little crazy right now. If I can keep everyone unharmed, and maybe even relatively happy, I will feel I have achieved something great.

Maybe this is getting a little personal but there, I said it. June 21st is father's day, and that is not an easy day to celebrate as a single mom- it's easy for me to focus on everything I feel the girls are missing out on. My own father continues to inspire me more and more, and he has been dealing with a lot of difficult things these last few months with incredible strength and dignity, so my plan to achieve this goal is to focus on him. I love you Daddy!

Ever since I printed and put together my new teacher planner/home management binder for next school year I have been DYING to finish it and fill it out! Some things I have to take from my old planner and transfer it to the new one (like the plastic covers and Arc rings) and the filling out part takes time that I really don't have until the school year is over. Once I'm done though, you can bet this will be one of my first projects! I'll be posting an update once it's all put together (get ready- you're going to be hearing a lot about my planner this summer from this planner addict), but you can see the progress setting it up so far here and a tour of the (mostly unfilled) inside here! 

Don't forget to go check out all the other linkups for June, and if you'd like to share your own goals for the month, leave a comment! Happy Summer!

Read more "Teacher Tuesday: small goals for June"

Mommy Monday: Dear Newly-Single Mom

Dear Newly-Single Mom,

Hi there. First, here's a hug. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. This stinks.

It has been almost 3 years since I first became suddenly single with 2 little babies. Let me tell you, it was rough. I cried. A lot. Questioned everything I ever believed. A lot. I'm writing this letter to you because when I felt really alone, one of the places to which I turned for solidarity was the internet. If you've found me, I hope you find some comfort from this.

Here's what I want to tell you:

• You're not alone. I promise. My situation that landed me here was pretty "out there", but with a little online digging I found a lot of people who had been through very similar experiences. No matter what it is that you're going through, I'm betting that you can find someone who has been there and can help put words to what you're feeling and experiencing. You may not be ready for advice yet, but having someone else express what you can't even fathom yet can be life-changing.
• You need real-life groupies. The internet is a great way to find people who can relate to your specific situation, no matter how obscure, but it is not the place to find the practical help you need right now. If you can, make it a priority to get you and your family as close to close family and/or friends as possible. If that's not an option, reach out to local people any way you can. You could try local churches (whether you share their faith or not), charities and social work organizations, or any sort of social group you belong to- gyms, book clubs, mom groups, whatever. Tell them what's going on and tell them exactly the kind of emotional and practical support you want. If you are too overwhelmed to even know what kind of support you need (that was me!), just keep being honest about where you are. Allow yourself to lean on them, and allow them to support you.
• Use your single mom card. Now. This is not the time to try to prove that you can do it all. Three years in and I have no shame using my "single mom card" to get help or as an excuse. Someone wants to get together for drinks and all you want to do is see your kids after being gone at work? "That's so nice, but I've been away from my kids a lot this week- I want to have some family time tonight". Someone wants to get together for drinks and you want to go but you don't have child care? "That sounds so awesome but I don't have anyone to watch the kids... (insert meaningful glance here)". Feeling overwhelmed? "Hey, can you come help me with dinner and bedtime?". I have learned that people want to help but they also don't want to be constantly asking or seem condescending. They will be happy you spoke up.
• You can do this. You may not know where you're going to live, how you're going to support your family, or even how you're going to survive, but you will because you have to. Moms have this built-in drive and you'll find that when you think something is impossible, you will figure out a way to make it happen. 
• Start writing. You've got way too many feelings and to-do lists to keep them in your head without exploding. Find a place to journal, and a system to write down to-do's and calendars. It could be digital or paper, but you need to get it out of your head and store it somewhere else.

You are going to be stretched in ways you've never imagined, but you are going to make it and your kids are too. If you don't know where else to turn, I'm here and happy to listen and help any way I can. You can comment on the blog or message me on Facebook.

Sincerely,

Elizabeth


Note from the author: I have started writing this post at least 20 times and it has taken me this long to finally write something I feel comfortable posting. If you know someone who is in this situation, I hope you will share this with them and offer them your support. Single parenting is not easy and should never be attempted alone!

Read more "Mommy Monday: Dear Newly-Single Mom"

Mommy Monday: what to get a single mom for her birthday

So today is my birthday! Happy Birthday to me!! :D

I am off spending the day with my family so I'm sticking around for long, but I did want to share something that my parents have started doing for me for my birthday that I LOVE and I think almost all single mothers of young children would appreciate:

take their kids shopping. Go to the dollar store and let them each pick something out to give to their mom. Help them wrap it and hide it somewhere to give to them later. In most two-parent homes, the other parent will make sure the kids get the other parent a small gift or make a card. Parents love getting those little things from their kids on their birthdays, and we also want to encourage our children to learn about the joy of giving. But when you are the only parent, it can be awkward to encourage your children to get something for your own birthday.

It's a simple thing but I really love getting something that I know my girls picked out for me!

Have a wonderful day, everyone!

Read more "Mommy Monday: what to get a single mom for her birthday"